This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
