he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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