Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
