you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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