What did we do last night that was yellow?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
