i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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