So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
