I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I can't turn off my feet"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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