Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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