please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
