he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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