Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
