things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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