So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
