Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
