Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
