How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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