Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My vagina is officially offended.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
