what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
