Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
