just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
