Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
and you fell through a lawn chair
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
