I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
