White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
