I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
