tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
