It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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