Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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