You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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