I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
two words: eviction party
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
