Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
