One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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