you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
