sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
