I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
