My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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