stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
