I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
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