He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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