sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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