I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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