So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
