Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
