they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
