my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
