i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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