I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
