WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
So I just went to clothing optional bar
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
