I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
