How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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