Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
