Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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