Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
